It is a popular custom among publishing & general media circles at the end of each year to bestow fatuous awards upon villains & heroes who featured in keynote events of that year. Out of character with our usual clearly voiced distaste for the falseness & fascileness of mainstream media, Machiavelli’s Dunny feels there are people & events that need revisiting for either their foulness or their fairness. Our list could make up several pages & we may yet amend its contents on further reflection. At this point however, we present you a shortlist of champions & crooks. Without further preamble, we deliver you, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly Awards of 2013.
The Prometheus Award for attaining immortality through being a part of living history goes to Nelson Mandela. Obviously the award is awarded [only just] posthumously. We’ll not bore you by regurgitating the self-serving political & media circus that surrounded Mandela’s death & subsequent laying in state. The world’s leaders flocked to it in an orgy of navel gazing & back slapping-not to mention hugging of how far human rights have come since Nelson Mandela first became a known political prisoner & polarising figure for the anti-apartheid movement. In reality Africa, Asia & the Middle East are worse off than ever due to the predication of global corporations & the governments who serve them. Why we recognise Mandela with the Prometheus Award is because he proved, as did Mahatma Ghandi before him, that human beings are capable of galvanising themselves to bring about peaceful change & progress using intelligence, reason & rational tactics. Also worth meditating on is a reflection on how much change has occurred over the course of Mandela’s lifespan.
The Daniel Award for putting integrity before self goes to Edward Snowden. Everyone knows who & what he is & did, so repeating those details is unnecessary. This man struck a blow for every person on this planet not involved in The Great Conspiracy. He not only risked his life to set the truth free & expose arrogance & deceit so unprecedented that it shocked the whole planet, but he also knowingly gave up the life he had for one of flight, hiding and fear-not to mention isolation, persecution, uncertainty & the loss of all he owned & those he held dear. Why? Because he had the personal conviction to draw the line on his unwitting complicity in a global apparatus that spied on the world illegally. Analogous to the biblical parable of Daniel, Edward Snowden, like Daniel, drew the line where the Scripture did–“he would not eat the king’s food or drink the king’s drink”. Taken literally there is little relevance, however if put into context with the spiritual symbolism represented by “The King’s food & drink” in the biblical parable, we realise that to Daniel it was ungodly -Pagan, and therefore in consuming it he would be knowingly abandoning his faith & his god. Snowden refused to eat King NSA’s food or drink because it too, was unholy & would make him complicit in its evil. Based on the strength of his own convictions & his integrity, he refused to not only participate, but heroically exposed the wrong to the world. Credit to him, he is also our Overall Champion of Human Hope Award winner for 2013. Relatedly, gangster principled president, Vladimir Putin receives the Sex Pistols, I only Did It For The Fame Award for granting Edward amnesty in Russia-he really hates Obama does Vladimir & in granting amnesty to Snowden he showed him just how much, while still looking like a good guy to the watching world. Regardless of his motive, Snowden is safe now.
Closer to home, the Too Good To Be Wasted On The National Party & Telling It Like It Is Awards both go to National MP for Pakuranga Maurice Williamson. Williamson eloquently (and all too briefly) made himself a world sensation with his “Gay Rainbow over Pakuranga” speech supporting the gay marriage bill before parliament. Williamson makes a humorous, down to earth observational speech, mocking the ridiculousness of society’s presumptions over who we may choose to love & share our lives with. Whilst doing so Maurice also showed us that it is actually possible for politicians to behave ethically, with genuine empathy for the people they serve. Cue applause please.
Kim Dotcom deserves an award in the Good category as well. We found it tricky to find a classification for him however, so we created one; The Pillsbury Doughboy-Show The Battlers How to Battle Award goes to Kim. He’s stuck to his guns in the face of an overwhelmingly resourced enemy & has outed & fought institutional obfuscation & incompetence ranging to outright corruption in the NZ Government, the NZ Police, the GCSB, the Federal Bureau of Inquisition, not to mention the fat cats in Hollywood & elsewhere howling for his blood for sharing their pie out, oh & that’s right, let’s not forget the U.S Federal Government. Kim has proven himself to be immensely resourceful, courageous & resolute in fighting what is effectively thuggish governmental steamrolling to put his head on a stake as a warning to all who may dare attempt to challenge a paper tiger Zionist monopoly. We wish Kim the best, & cannot allow ourselves to believe that even in a country with such terminally diseased leaders as ours, that our judicial process would fail to stand up for his rights. Here at The Dunny in fact, we hold hope that the jolly giant may feature proactively in our country’s future-Prime Minister perhaps, or Mayor of Auckland at the very least.
Ella Yelich-O’Connor AKA Lorde: This young woman is almost Christ-like in her potential to effect positive influence, hope & optimism in the upcoming generation. Not only that, she is beautiful, intelligent, well read and she comes from NZ. Young Miss Lorde doesn’t write & sing about manipulating boys with her sex appeal, she doesn’t promote self-worth through owning brands or chasing materialism as a path to self actualisation- in fact, she has defined herself by her opposition to that mentality. Instead Lorde writes & sings clear, simple lyrics with a powerful voice & visual presence to celebrate values that her generation & probably a few before have been robbed of by cynical marketeers, a soulless music industry & corporations bent on creating brand addiction. The tangible effect of this polarising young artist is already evident by a dip in Hydrogen Peroxide sales & hair straighteners. Kiwi girls are dropping the generic, blond image they’ve identified themselves with and returning to their natural hair colour and form. They’re liberating their dress sense from what can only be bought in Westfield Malls & reaching beyond bleach & Thin Lizzy for their look. We salute you Ella, you’re another example of human awesomeness that gives us hope for a higher being potentially evolving from the greedy, vicious, stupid apes that make up the majority of humanity. The Dunny bestows the Diacetlymorphine Divergence Award to Lorde for being pure Heroine of a new & spectacular kind. Don’t ever let them get you girl.
Without wishing to sound negative readers, this is a tough category for the simple reason the are so many. As Ford Fairlane said…(click and see what he said).
The Supreme Brickbat of the Year, along with the dispensation For Suffering From a Certain Lack of Truthfulness & also The Yellow Brick Road Award for skipping along said road with big business cronies while thumbing his nose at the People of New Zealand all go to the Right Honourable John Key, Prime Minister of NZ. We won’t justify Mr Key further fuel for his arrogance, nor will we bother to offer many words as explanation for his receipt of the above (all journalists are knuckleheads anyway, right John?), however we will reiterate our absolute commitment to outing his un-Kiwi activities. This bugle of free speech believes John Key & his cabinet to be guilty of flagrant disregard for constitutional laws of this county’s legislation & in the service of big business cronies both here and overseas to further their own interests. Mr Key’s personal arrogance towards the NZ voter has been appalling. So has the manner in which he has pushed through so many unpopular, poorly referenced or researched & anti-libertarian policies & acts of Parliament. This year alone we had the so-called “Anadarko Bill” which quashed the rights to protest [effectively] at sea. Following immediately in the heels of this-in fact, largely processed prior to the act being passed the NZ Govt issued permits to said same Texan oil firm Anadarko to explore by drilling using deep-sea prospecting rigs with controversial safety guarantees. This is now being challenged by Greenpeace in court, based on the organisation’s contention that due diligence was not followed by authorities to assess real risk & an incident response plan should an accident occur that could cause damage to NZ’s marine ecosystem. As well as this Key railroaded the GCSB spying bill through, having manipulated privilege to limit opposition. He changed a law retroactively following a high court judgement against his government regarding social assistance to caregivers of the disabled, which thus voided said judgement. The process by which this was done was completely redacted & was furnished to MPs in parliament as a book of completely blacked out pages. Effectively they backdated a dodgy law change to predate the highest court in the land’s decision & then refused to disclose how, or by what legal process this was achieved. Other famous politicians known for this form of legislating were Messrs Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin & Chairman Mao Tse Dong. In fact, the sins manifested by John Key in the course of this year alone are too many to list here, so we refer you to our contemporary The Standard, for further detailed editorials on the subject John Key.
Ian Watkins singer of disbanded rock group Lostprophets; jailed for 29 years for raping children, babies & coercing their mothers to assist and take part. Quoted as claiming it was “nothing to make a fuss about” & “Mega LOLz”, we are Awarding Watkins the Burn in Hell Award & we sincerely hope that facing 29 years as a celebrity nonce, in a British prison with the accompanying supplementary punishments administered by his fellow inmates- not famous for their tolerance of pedophiles- will make burning in Hell seem like an infinitely preferential option. Asshole.
Ariel Castro; abducted & imprisoned three young women whom he kept for around a decade as sex slaves. One of the women bore a child to him. The women were discovered & freed by chance when a neighbor heard victim Amanda Berry screaming for help after finding Castro had lapsed his security precautions as he went out. Castro was indicted & ultimately sentenced to 1000 years jail. Despite being deemed a high risk prisoner & on intense watch, he was found hanged with a bed sheet not long after his sentencing. An investigation quickly ruled in favour of suicide as COD & looked no further. If Castro had assistance booking his ticket off this mortal coil we salute those Samaritans that so kindly assisted him. Castro deserves no kind of award whatsoever, however those sheet wranglers deserve The Horseman Award for rare righteous justifiability in summary justice.
Justin Bieber because he’s Justin Bieber, a product designed not for art, but to make lots of money from people who have become so culturally de-educated by the machine that created Bieber & his legion of analogs-that they no longer recognise real music, instead believing it to consist of a whelp-like sissy teenage punk whining “Baby baby baby baby oh baby baby baby baby oh baby” ad infinitum with computer generated non-rhythms whining & weakly tapping supportively in the background. Plug in for retardation, place phones over ears, turn on device & prepare for the bliss that is ignorance. Justin wins the Frank Zappa-Does Humour Belong In Music Award because clearly, he doesn’t.
This year’s In Case of Emergency Break Glass For Diversion Via Media Caused Public Hysteria Award is shared by both Prime Minister John Key & embattled mayor of Auckland Len Brown. John had reached a point where the public were looking to be in an ugly collective funk, he’d cut their recreational Snapper fishing quota in a laissez faire move to justify stock rejuvenation while leaving the commercial plunderers (his mates) untouched. As well as that he was under fire over his sleazy sodomy of the NZ public via his dirty GCSB bill being passed into act despite public opposition & then there was Anadarko…well poor John just didn’t know what would settle these grizzling peasants down. About the same time as John was feeling the heat, newly re-elected mayor of Auckland Len Brown is clumsily exposed over his two+year affair with a woman over 20 years his junior. It became rapidly evident that the camp of his main rival to the throne was behind the revelations & in part because that rival was a sleazebag from New Jersey, the good folk of Auckland & wider NZ were confused as to how they should feel. While this anguish & confusion abounded, reports from several media agencies began to enter the news surrounding a gang of teenage sexual predators who called themselves “Roastbusters”. The name was both a play on the old film Ghostbusters & the slang colloquialism for a two male, one female sexual encounter known as a “spit roast”. As the story broke, details emerged that at least two but “possibly several more” young men made up the group, which stalked drunk young teenage women-some allegedly as young as 13- to coerce them into group sex or multiple partner sex marathons. These orgies were then allegedly filmed and posted on the Roastbusters Facebook page to publicly humiliate & punish the girls for being sluts. The public outcry was like a scrub fire in its intensity & spread. The people wanted blood. Two young men were identified as the ringleaders & photos of their venal, socially marginal, zitty faces were plastered across every media engine that could carry an image. The punks had to go into hiding once it emerged that one was the son of a low-level local celebrity & the other the son of a “ranking police officer”. The torch burning & pitchfork waving lasted over two weeks, during which the police promised their usual “thorough investigation” while the public gnashed their teeth at the thought the drunken tarts involved in the whole lurid affair could be their own daughters. A female friend of the devilspawn at the centre of the scandal went on record whilst defending them, pointing out that “Its just what all the teenagers in West Auckland do-they get drunk and fuck”. In the end the firestorm fizzled out, nobody was arrested, charged or lynched. John & Len had made it through the three crucial weeks they needed for the public’s emotions to have been totally exhausted by an over exaggerated, media fueled chimera that became nothing from nothing. For Key it distanced him from, & put time between his skulduggeries; for Brown it created emotional diversion & salacious scandal that overshadowed his own relatively mediocre exploits. Very well played boys, by NZ standards in media & political manipulation, very well played!
Second winner in the Ugly category picks up the Go Straight To The Boss’s Office On Monday Morning. Do Not Pass The Press Gallery or Talk to Anyone Award. Clearly of course the undisputed winner would have to be [former] back bench National Party MP Aaron Gilmore. This virtually hitherto unheard of real life Eric Cartman found his 15 days of fame when in May 2013 at the Heritage Hotel in Hanmer Springs, he hit the Jesus juice a little too hard at dinner with some pals. Claims concerning the quantities of booze consumed vary, however the group’s behavior prompted comment from other diners to staff. Around this time a waiter tending the Gilmore party’s table refused service of further alcohol per his legal obligations as he judged the group to be drunk. Gilmore, flushed with booze & the misapprehension that he was a somebody verbally launched into the hapless hospo helper calling him a “dickhead” and claiming to be a very important politician. He completely egged his own face by proceeding to tell the waiter that he had enough influence over the prime minister to have him personally involve himself & have the man fired. There are many details surrounding this incident & Gilmore’s subsequent public pillorying by the media followed by his messy resignation, that are shady. Rumors circulated that he was assisted into a situation whereby his predictable boorish behavior under the wing of Bacchus would lead him to disgrace himself. Further to that, the news of the incident appeared to be strategically managed. Gilmore was an unpopular member of the National Party, his future wasn’t bright and it is quite possible a fixer such as the enigmatic Simon Lusk was engaged to help him to the point of no return. Sadly the NZ public was subjected to daily accounts of Gilmore’s kicking & screaming, as he refused opportunity after opportunity to grab his coat & quietly slip out the tradesman’s exit of the Beehive. In the end it became a matter for the House, with Gilmore swearing darkly to media the night before that he’d be taking people down with him if he was forced. In the end he turned up with a humble pie the size of a truck tire, which he consumed before Parliament & the people on NZ via TV cameras, complete with heartfelt apology & admission that he was in fact the dickhead. After that he left parliament, most likely never to return. It was sad, it was pathetic & by the spurs of Rooster Cogburn, it was Ugly. As the old Chinese saying goes “You don’t need to teach an arsehole to shit”
Running rearguard in a trio of sad, disheartening & pathetic Uglies, is this year’s Kamikaze Without A Cause Award winner, none other than John Banks. Banksie; as this diminutive, baby kissing buffoon is commonly known, has had a rough year, in fact it’s been a few rough years, but if you asked him, he’d describe this year in particular, as his annus horribilis. Poor old Banksie; once upon a time he had a snug wee basket in the corner of a National government to curl up in. The politicians would throw him tidbits & always promised him that if he yapped loudly to the media when told to, but never at any other times, then they’d see to it he ended up boss of Auckland one day. With a few exceptions-well lots of them actually, that government managed to put Banksie to use. Even though the humble & gentle folk of NZ knew he was a fuckwit with the brains of a rock, his handlers had managed to create around him the aura of a slightly befuddled, yet well-meaning idiot. In the political neighborhood of New Zealand Banksie was regarded as the local Down Syndrome kid that always waved and grinned with joy whenever he saw someone he knew. Banksie did get to be boss of Auckland-for a while anyway. After he’d done the very bestest job of that & the happy people decided that Banksie needed to get on with more important things, a nice man from a wobbly right-wing political party asked Banksie to be the boss of that-apparently nobody else was brave enough or something, but Banksie wasn’t scared.
Ahh yes, serial political blowfly & intellectually challenged bedbug, John Banks. Banks has survived many scandals over the years, most of them minor dust ups caused by his ill-conceived brayings. He met his bete noir however, in the jolly German giant mentioned above in the “Good” section, Mr Kim Dotcom esq. Kim, like most wealthy foreign businessmen of dubious past & means, was looking to secure political allies as he established himself in NZ. There is nothing spurious in this, in fact it is accepted as the way politics works-a wealthy donor aligns himself with a business friendly political party by supporting them as they see necessary (donations) & in turn, they use their influence to support him. The long & the short of Banksie’s final stand came from the slippery little shit accepting $50 000 from Mr Dotcom in two separate amounts as contributions to his electoral campaign. So far so good; however when, as mentioned above, Mr Dotcom was busted ala Miami Vice & put on show like a circus freak, he reached out to his pal John from his prison cell. “John,” pleaded Kim “Ar ve not frendts?” “I am much trouble haffink here, und you help me coult maybe…John? John, are you dere mine frendt?” But John wasn’t. In fact Banksie had scarped as fast as his stumpy little pin striped legs could take him. As we know, Kim’s lawyers eventually got him bailed, but he suffered in the meantime. Kim is oversized & overweight, the stuffy little remand cell with a tiny single cot that he spent two months in must’ve been hell for such a large man. He also has other attendant health problems associated with his immense proportions. Nobody from NZ politics came to help Kim-mainly because they were all squawking to the media about how they’d never heard of any Kim Dotcom. Even Key, whose own electorate the eccentric two metre tall, 140kg, multi, multi millionaire lived in-in a mansion no less, claimed he’d never heard of him. During the developments that followed, and as more and more embarrassing details about the NZ Govt’s unwillingness to treat Dotcom fairly emerged, the fact (there were witnesses, including Dotcom’s factor) surfaced that Dotcom had given John Banks fifty grand as a campaign donation. Banks denied it, then he said he couldn’t remember. John Banks isn’t a good liar, John Banks lies as badly as a five-year old boy does when his mum asks him if he stole candy from the corner store & he still tries to lie even though he knows the chain-smoking old dragon at the store has already called his mum & peached on him. Banksie’s lies became the stuff of legendary public ridicule.
Long story shortened, Banksie was bound by law to declare on his electoral returns that he had received monies of that size from Dotcom. Banksie hadn’t. Banksie tried to claim memory loss & his old pals in Wellington managed to stall & freeze the official inquiry into his fraudulent behavior. Banksie looked like he’d blundered through another monumental gaffe. Not to be, retired accountant Graham McCready took John Banks to court privately for election fraud, at his own expense & based on principle. McCready was able to get Banks committed for trial charged with election fraud. The potential collateral damage from his receiving a conviction will mean that Bank’s party (ACT), will weaken or fail altogether, as a crucial partner in the National govt’s. narrowly held majority, thus threatening to topple a tower of pigs.
The Good-Guys like Graham McCready & judiciary that rules in favour of shits like Banks facing account.The Bad-Guys like Banks being allowed into positions of public office. The Ugly-The flakey, cowboy tradesman like manner in which politics is done in this country.
Once again folks, it’s up to you-next November isn’t that far away so start thinking about your options as a voter & if you don’t have enough of them then get off your lazy asses & start creating some. We are getting robbed because we are just too Goddamned apathetic to stand up to these bullies & shysters.
Good night NZ.